Sunday, July 14, 2013

Ignorance is Bliss

I must be a forgetful person or something. I knew this blog was going to be a task to keep. I knew eventually I would start to get careless and lenient on my postings. But no matter what, I'm still going to post. Whoo!

Today was lazy day (arent they all?)

I didn't want to get up at all! And then I went to the movies and saw World War Z. It was a good movie. Though next time I'm definitely going by myself. The perks about going with a parent is you usually don't pay. I mean it would have been fine if I did. But whatever.

I watched 13 going on 30 earlier and it was awesome because its like a blast from the past. And the soundtrack is amazing. I'm currently writing and jamming to 80's music! Yay

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Can It Be?

Did I really forget to post last night? Actually I did. I was so busy, it was my little sister's 5th birthday party and I guess I was so tired I forgot.

Yesterday, was a good day. People loved my art wall idea, and I've read my story (what I have of it so far) to a couple people and they love it. I'm excited and its so cool to be this pumped to write.

I ate a lot of cookies and meatballs yesterday, they were amazing.

I'm still full.

Till The Sun Rises (Or Sets),

Sarah Jean

Friday, July 12, 2013

The Natural High

So, this just might be the earliest I've posted yet! And I'm thinking about going to bed soon. The earliest that I've ever gone to bed this summer.

Today was cleaning day, yay. The party's tomorrow and my mom was like listen, we clean or die! Jk jk, we clean.

And then I wasted the night away (you sung that didnt you?) watching hilarious vine videos and now my mom thinks I'm high. Could be worse I guess.


Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Beautiful Surprises

So today I went to visit my cousin at her book store. My friend is sick so she kinda bailed. I walked in and she was like 'Are you waiting to be helped?" and I was like "Wow, you don't recognize me?" and it was like instant word vomit with a bit of "oh my god, you're not who I think you are?" And a bit of "you look 25" (lol, 17 here.) It was amazing and short, but I got to spend time with books. Who wouldn't want to spend time with books, they're amazing. LIKE ME. (lol jk). I was going to buy some books and then she was like, here happy Graduation and now I have two free books and that's like Christmas because I'm broke as a MF and I love reading. It sucks to be me.

I did nothing for the rest of the day, though I was at the bookstore for the majority of the day.

I did laundry actually, that counts as being productive. I did TWO loads. AND folded them. I didn't put them away yet though. That's too much work for one day. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Don't Wait For Anything

I'm late again, sorry. Today I worked for three hours and stuffed a shit ton of papers into envelopes. Fun times. Fun times.

I'm going to visit my cousin at her bookstore tomorrow. I didn't tell her I was coming so I don't know if she'll be there. If she isn't then I'll make the short trip again and just buy a book. If she is, then I can't wait to catch up again.

I'm still cleaning my room right now. I can't concentrate on anything right now. It's pretty bad.

I better go do something. Who knows when I'll actually go to sleep. Yesterday it was 3AM.

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

P.S. I just found a lightning bug in my room though my door is closed and so are the windows. Weird. I saved him and let him free to be with his family. How awesome are I?

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Speak The Truth

I went job hunting today! And I was successful in getting applications for five of them! Yay its a start.

Nothing fantastical happened today. Well, I didn't stay inside all day, that was a plus.

Tomorrow I get to sub-work I guess you could call it. Great pay for 9-5ish. wonderful!

And hopefully Thursday I can go see my cousin at her bookstore. I'm bringing my friend and it'll be the first roadtripish place we went this summer! Yay for trying new things.

Well, this has been a real shitty post and I have to get up early tomorrow.

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Monday, July 8, 2013

Acceptance Is A Glorious Thing

Acceptance, it can either make someone feel incredibly happy or exile them. Thank god it wasn't the latter. I finally reached out for real, to my biological brother. I was crying and scared the whole time. Scared that I wouldn't be accepted. Though he was as excited as I was as we discussed our first meeting in person. I'm not telling my mom because I don't know that she's fully on board with all of this. Though I will be 18 in August, I feel that I can make these kinds of decisions on my own.

I also feel exiled for another reason. Here, I have no friends. No one to confide in. And I know I'm being extreme. I have maybe two friends. All the others I don't really communicate with. I don't understand why everyone feels the need to ignore me, I don't know what I did to deserve it. If they would just tell me, I would either fess up to it or deny it. Problem solved. Move on. Though it's not happening that way. Let's just ignore her no matter now many times she tries to reach out to you and yeah I know you're reading my messages and things like that. It shows when you open them, smarty. I'm all alone here. And I'm so tired of it. So tired of sitting home by myself for weeks on end because I have no one to go out with. How do I even make new friends? Either I already know everyone or they're total douchewads.

I don't understand anything anymore.

God, I'm going to go crawl in a corner and cry (again).

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Craving Love

Well, I don't quite understand anything anymore. I'm so confused all the time and it's not healthy. I feel sick all the time and I'm almost always worried. Worried about what? That is a wonderful question. I have no idea. 

Today, I mainly watched Teen Wolf again because what else do you do on Sundays? That's right, nothing. I drove home and it wasn't bad. I got here in one piece. Wonderful. 

I've been going through all my writings (all incomplete by the way) and they're all cliche. The girl gets the guy and all that BS. I need new things to write about. Completely different things. Like murder mystery or something incredibly across the spectrum. 

I'm craving it again. That odd desire to be with someone. Completely unknown to me as I've never even had a boyfriend. I just don't understand, I can't even keep friends. I'm afraid I'm a complete train wreck and I don't know how to fix myself. I wish I could, wish I knew how. Sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me. 

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Train Wrecks Aren't Pretty

I've realized something incredibly important today. I don't belong anywhere. I don't have a place where I feel safe, at home, whatever it is. It kinda sucks.

I'd like to say today was more productive, but it wasn't. When is it ever? Unless you count finishing season one of Teen Wolf accomplishing. Yay me. I did write most of my thank you cards out though. That's an accomplishment.

I got to spend time with another friend that I haven't seen in a while. It was fun and our weirdness collides and it's always a good time with her. Especially at the movies. Today was pretty much a suckass day. Maybe tomorrow will be better? Probably not. I'm not ready for life to come at me with full force. I'm not ready to be an adult and be responsible. I just want to be a kid again. Was I ever?

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Friday, July 5, 2013

Music To My Ears

Another ending to an awesome day. I swear, sleep is for the weak. I don't even go to sleep before midnight. It's whatever. 

I spent the majority of the day on Netflix because that shit is the bomb dot com. Addicting as hell. All I do at night is watch movies. What is sleep? Tonight it's Atlantis and Captain America. It's whateva. 

I got to go to Barnes and noble. (My secret love) and spend time with a friend I haven't seen in a good long time. And then crashed a birthday party with another friend. Pool time and cool wine. ( there was no wine. It just rhymed). I think ice cream late at night is becoming a habit. A bad habit. But it's so good! Maybe I should start exercising. (God knows I need to). Well today was eventful. And partially well spent. I'm glad I put myself out there for once and jumped at the chance of uncomfortableness. Yay me! 

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean 

Thursday, July 4, 2013

And As It Comes To An End

I can hear the fireworks from my window. And I kind of wish that I was watching them. Sitting out in the uncomfortable heat. Waiting forever for them to finally start and then have the night end so quickly, like time had passed in a second. This is probably the second year that I haven't gone to see fireworks. Spending the night of the 4th of July alone.

Lately, (Today) I've been getting so sick of being alone. Like what the hell, am I not good enough to hang out with you. I don't want to accuse you of anything but maybe it's just me. I'm probably being paranoid and whatever. I'll get over it. Like I always do. I'm so tired of hearing about your girlfriend or your boyfriend, or it's complicated and he's definitely not my boyfriend but he thinks so crap. I'm tired of being alone alone. I want someone to be weird with, as I said yesterday. Because anything less than weird just won't cut it.

I'm sun-burnt again. Maybe I should just stay inside. I don't like the beach anyway. Today was fun, though I'm so tired of being called things. It puts me in a bad mood (obviously) and yeah I'm not going to be walking around with a freaking smile on my face. I mean seriously? I'm not bothering you with my pouting, leave me alone. Okay, great.

I'm just so aggravated these days and I need to take it out on someone or something. And hitting a pillow is the stupidest thing ever. That just makes you look ridiculous and retarded. I'm going to start doing yoga soon. Hopefully that will take some of the stress away or something like that.   I don't know, whatever.

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Realization of the Fabrication

I forgot to post! Actually, I was out having so much fun that I missed my nightly deadline. I'll still be up for a few hours, so it's not that big of a deal.

I've applied for community college! I'm finally digging myself a path for who knows what. At least it's a start. And frankly, I'm tired of sitting home doing nothing. Learning comes easy to me, and it's something I can welcome back into my life.

I finally drove to my Dad's house by myself. It's a great accomplishment, though I have no idea how to get home. Whoo!

I also bought new illustration pens from Michaels. I don't really do that kind of thing. I do more of a free handed huge mash up of typography of a sort I guess. I just like the way they write.

Tonight was the most fun I've had in a while. I'm back in my comfort zone. Where I used to call home. I have more friends here than I do at my mom's house. It's hard to integrate yourself into group and then extract yourself just as quickly.  Here, there's tons of things to do with people but not enough money to do them. And at my moms, I always have money and no one to spend it with. It's a great burden and a savior all in one.

I can't take being made fun of anymore. Even if it's in good intentions. I'm belittled in everything I do and I hate it so very much. Besides being made fun of, I feel that I'm always so very alone. I can feel it when I spend hours on end by myself. And I can feel it now, in a house full of lively people. When I first moved here, I thought that I actually started to fit in, that this was where I belonged.

I don't think I could have been more wrong. I haven't found the place where I fit yet. Right now I'm just wandering around trying to make myself fit somewhere else.

My 13 year old brother teases me for not having a boyfriend. I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I needed one to be myself. His girlfriend shaved half her head, I don't know if that's such a great thing to flaunt. Yes, I'd like someone to spend time with. To like my weirdness and be as cool as me. (In the weird way). I'd like that. But I'm okay without it. Hey, what does he know? He's a little squirt.

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Courage Is A Dangerous Thing

When will life stop being so uneventful? When will the real fun begin? When will I have more than one friend, at least ones that want to be around me. God, does life suck so much that I feel the need to physically change all my surroundings so very often. I hate change, and yet I crave it so much I can't sit still.

I feel that I need to make a major change in my life, and yes I have made a few of those already. I need to find me. I don't know who I am, I don't know anything. I am so confused that it brings me to the brink of sickness. I hate to think about it. I hate to feel it. Because I can, all the time. In everything I do.

Today I was actually awake before noon. What an accomplishment! I even ironed my dress, because YES, I had an interview. I don't really know how it went, as it was my first ever interview. I guess I'll find out on Friday or Monday. This morning I went to the mall to get my nails done and it was eerie. The mall was so empty, partly because it was ten thirty in the morning and also it was a week day. I might just start shopping earlier. No lines is a great thing.

I've started writing my ongoing book again. Chapter two is still giving me trouble but chapter three looks like it might be heading in a good direction. It's exciting seeing something mold beneath your very own eyes. It's probably horrible and whatnot but I like it. Even if it's for my eyes only, I can live with that.

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean 

Monday, July 1, 2013

A First For Everything

Number 30 on my summer bucket list is to create and keep a Summer Blog. A place where I can keep all my daily activities, memories, pictures and even other things on my 'bucket list'. Graduating high school makes it feel that this isn't really summer and it just leads into the rest of my life. (Which it does, but I don't want to dwell on that.) My top priority right now is to find a job (Number 43) that way I can afford to do all the other things on my summer bucket list. Today was uneventful, until I decided that it was time to get out of bed around 12. I was unproductive until about 3, when I got ready and went shopping for the perfect shirt to match my skirt for my interview tomorrow. I stumbled across a beautiful striped blue and white dress so I bought that instead. (My lonely skirt is still in the drawer). I also got a great buy on a purple tee. I bought part of my little sister birthday present for Friday and also a Wreck This Journal (Number 44). Abby helped me start that off and now she can't wait to pour coffee on it. (Little kids are adorable). I'm currently applying for community college and writing questions for my interview tomorrow.

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean