Friday, September 20, 2013

A Lapse in Time

So, I guess this is just going to be a once in a while thing. (Maybe just when I remember to do it)

Right about now, I feel so sick, tired, vulnerable, and practically about to cry.

I'm angry right now because I just don't have the patience for anyone's stupidity and lack of motion at a reasonable speed. I get frustrated extremely easily and that's probably one of the things I hate the most about myself.

I'm sick because I hate myself. Sometimes it's hard to even think of anything else.

Overall, I'm just upset because I feel extremely trapped. I have no where to go, no one to go to. I feel so isolated all the time. Keeping busy distracts me but it won't work forever. I'm so sick of being upset over someone who apparently doesn't care about the friendship we had. And i'm incredibly vulnerable to it. I can't control that every time I see her I get this overwhelming pang of sadness and I kinda just want to cry. It takes my breath away and leaves me unnerved. I want to move on, make new friends. But it's so hard to do that right now because I haven't moved away, I'm so close and it's scary. I'm constantly reminded of everything we did everywhere I go. A movie of a sorts playing different scenes throughout our friendship. I'm upset and I'll probably get over it eventually. But for now, I'm stuck. Constantly worrying about what I did that could have been so bad for her to cut off connections with me and physically avoid me. Maybe a part of me doesn't want to know and that's why every time I see her I slide away just before the tears get the better of me. (or anyone else can witness them). *sigh* If you happen to be reading this (you know who you are) I really can't say I give a shit. I guess you have to know how I feel somehow. Maybe it'll make you feel GUILTY. And as bad as this may sound, I kind of hope you do. Because that's all I've been feeling.

On the only happy note right now Fall is approaching quickly. Coffee, sweater weather, pumpkins, Halloween, the leaves. It's amazing and I can't wait to sit and just revel in its wonderfulness. (alone probably)

Til The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

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