Saturday, September 21, 2013

The Life In Her Is Gone

I guess I remembered to post again. Life is just a bunch of I guess's right now.

There's nothing too constant in my life right now and I don't really know what to do about it. I, I just want new friends and I don't want it to be complicated. (But when is anything not complicated?)

Times like these, it's really hard to record my day because I feel so absolutely alone and lonely. It's so hard to be enthusiastic when I can feel the emptiness around me, when I can hear the swarming doubts running a muck.

I really just want someone to sit next to me (be careful my bed is already broken) and tell me it's all going to be okay one day. It's alright to be so confused about everything right now and they'll be there for me. We can talk about everything and nothing. We can discuss my impending paper I have yet to write to what music I listen to depending on my mood. I just want someone to listen to anything I have to say because it's so frustrating to keep it all inside. I want someone to sit there and awkwardly watch me ugly cry because they don't know if it would be better to give me space or hug me. I just want a friend.

I wanted to be happy. I guess I really did. But when do I really get what I want? The twisting in my stomach, a constant reminder of what I can't have. It's so rare for me to really laugh these days and people take it for granted everyday.  I think when people look at me while I stare off into space sitting at that table in the busy hallway that I'm sad. I know I don't look happy. I don't want to put on a fake face like everyone else, who really cares if I'm happy or not?

I'm painting my friend a couple of small things for his new apartment. (small really does mean small because I cannot paint for shit) I hope he likes them because I truly have no idea what he likes and I am not painting a whole portrait of ice. He's probably the only person who makes sense right now, I'm grateful for his guidance and commentary. If he was anyone else I wouldn't paint shit for them. I just really hope he likes them. I haven't even started them yet too.

Til The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

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