Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Friends For The Keeping

I got my coworker written up today. Which basically means it was a good day. It may sound mean but I just can't help the satisfaction I feel when I know I got her in trouble. Well really her own mouth got her in trouble. Can't wait to work with her again next week. If that's not tense, I don't know what is.

I woke up late today and didn't have to worry about anything. It was pretty amazing. I literally woke up, and then watched a movie. Then I had to get ready for work.

I love having a friend that just wants to hang out, get coffee and chill in a park at like almost 10 at night. If you suggest this I will probably make you my new best friend and love you for a week.

I also love friends that have the patience to sit there with you and figure out how to work skype because I am a moron. If you have patience then we should be best friends.

I miss my friends. I miss everything that I can't have right now. I want to sit and cry because I guess I've been such a bully and haven't known it. And now people are avoiding me because they don't want to get 'punched in the arm' like what the actual fuck, I thought I was old enough to know when to punch someone in their fucking face or not. I just actually can't handle it right now. This post has to be cut short because my feelings are overwhelming me right now and I just need to go sit in the corner and cry over the fact that I've been an oblivious asshole.

Til The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A Sight For Sore Eyes

I had such a busy day today. And I realized that coffee, unlike every other time I've drank it, makes me crack out.  It was extremely funny and If you want to see it bring me some coffee. (lol don't. I don't know how long it lasts)

 My day has been much of nothing, If anything less of extremely boring. I didn't do my homework for English Comp. I'm behind in Math. I have no idea whats going on in Human Origins. My life's a bit of a mess at the moment. (so is my room).

There is no class tomorrow so I plan on staying up all night watching movies. YAY!

Til The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Monday, September 23, 2013

Procrastination, An Addicting Sickness

Last night I was too incredibly lazy so I forwent doing my Movie app and Analysis class paper. The result was getting up at 6 AM and doing two pages worth of unedited complete bullshit probably. Who knows if there was even sentences? I know I don't. And while I was up, I did some laundry. Because really why not?

I hate my math class and I think that maybe I was supposed to do some homework or something. Maybe I'll save that til' tomorrow morning yeah? Get up at 4? Get in a good hour and a half of work? Lol, I could get a semi-decent amount of sleep if I went to bed right now. Though people are actually talking to me and it's exciting.

TV fills the empty voids of things that normal humans are supposed to have like love and nourishment. It's okay I like not having to deal with other peoples shit.

I'm not sure of what else to write. I guess today was a pretty decent day.

Til The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Sunday, September 22, 2013

And With This Gift

Music is amazing.

There is nothing better, it's everything you could ever want. And it never disappoints.(Usually)

Today has been frustrating like every other day. I rarely have the patience to try to remember every little forgettable detail.

I want to begin writing again but I have no inspiration right now. Besides the fact that today was the first day of fall. That might spur something up. I need someone to tell me something completely different and amazing to write about. Otherwise I'll just sit here bored and alone with my big empty mind.

I just want to sit and think about everything and nothing. I really want to sit and people watch, maybe create new characters. What I really want to do is take a crapton of  pictures. (Without looking extremely creepy of course.) I just want someone to sit with me and we can take pictures together. I can read my writings to them and they can tell me they're amazing or terrible. I want someone who understands the shackles that pull my heart underwater. That understands the dark fog that clouds my thoughts and happiness.

I'm torn between wishing someone would tell me it's okay and wishing someone would explain that it's not okay. I need to be told due to the fact that I cannot think for myself.

(Crappy Reference Time) It's like at work when I see a pair of bright red boots that we only have in my size. I obviously want them. I want them so bad that if someone came in and bought them I would be devastated. Though on the other hand, I don't need them. Nor do I have anything that would match really. So I'm not going to buy them and when someone else does, I'm still going to be upset.

I also feel that everyone around me is upset with me. Like, I'm sorry I didn't realize how much of a disappointment I was. I don't understand what I did wrong. And maybe it's just me because it usually is, still, how would I know though?

I want so much, but I just don't reach for it.

Til The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Saturday, September 21, 2013

The Life In Her Is Gone

I guess I remembered to post again. Life is just a bunch of I guess's right now.

There's nothing too constant in my life right now and I don't really know what to do about it. I, I just want new friends and I don't want it to be complicated. (But when is anything not complicated?)

Times like these, it's really hard to record my day because I feel so absolutely alone and lonely. It's so hard to be enthusiastic when I can feel the emptiness around me, when I can hear the swarming doubts running a muck.

I really just want someone to sit next to me (be careful my bed is already broken) and tell me it's all going to be okay one day. It's alright to be so confused about everything right now and they'll be there for me. We can talk about everything and nothing. We can discuss my impending paper I have yet to write to what music I listen to depending on my mood. I just want someone to listen to anything I have to say because it's so frustrating to keep it all inside. I want someone to sit there and awkwardly watch me ugly cry because they don't know if it would be better to give me space or hug me. I just want a friend.

I wanted to be happy. I guess I really did. But when do I really get what I want? The twisting in my stomach, a constant reminder of what I can't have. It's so rare for me to really laugh these days and people take it for granted everyday.  I think when people look at me while I stare off into space sitting at that table in the busy hallway that I'm sad. I know I don't look happy. I don't want to put on a fake face like everyone else, who really cares if I'm happy or not?

I'm painting my friend a couple of small things for his new apartment. (small really does mean small because I cannot paint for shit) I hope he likes them because I truly have no idea what he likes and I am not painting a whole portrait of ice. He's probably the only person who makes sense right now, I'm grateful for his guidance and commentary. If he was anyone else I wouldn't paint shit for them. I just really hope he likes them. I haven't even started them yet too.

Til The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Friday, September 20, 2013

A Lapse in Time

So, I guess this is just going to be a once in a while thing. (Maybe just when I remember to do it)

Right about now, I feel so sick, tired, vulnerable, and practically about to cry.

I'm angry right now because I just don't have the patience for anyone's stupidity and lack of motion at a reasonable speed. I get frustrated extremely easily and that's probably one of the things I hate the most about myself.

I'm sick because I hate myself. Sometimes it's hard to even think of anything else.

Overall, I'm just upset because I feel extremely trapped. I have no where to go, no one to go to. I feel so isolated all the time. Keeping busy distracts me but it won't work forever. I'm so sick of being upset over someone who apparently doesn't care about the friendship we had. And i'm incredibly vulnerable to it. I can't control that every time I see her I get this overwhelming pang of sadness and I kinda just want to cry. It takes my breath away and leaves me unnerved. I want to move on, make new friends. But it's so hard to do that right now because I haven't moved away, I'm so close and it's scary. I'm constantly reminded of everything we did everywhere I go. A movie of a sorts playing different scenes throughout our friendship. I'm upset and I'll probably get over it eventually. But for now, I'm stuck. Constantly worrying about what I did that could have been so bad for her to cut off connections with me and physically avoid me. Maybe a part of me doesn't want to know and that's why every time I see her I slide away just before the tears get the better of me. (or anyone else can witness them). *sigh* If you happen to be reading this (you know who you are) I really can't say I give a shit. I guess you have to know how I feel somehow. Maybe it'll make you feel GUILTY. And as bad as this may sound, I kind of hope you do. Because that's all I've been feeling.

On the only happy note right now Fall is approaching quickly. Coffee, sweater weather, pumpkins, Halloween, the leaves. It's amazing and I can't wait to sit and just revel in its wonderfulness. (alone probably)

Til The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean

Monday, September 16, 2013

Burning Betrayal

So I kind of forgot about this, and me doing nothing all summer got in the way(mostly Tumblr). I've obtained a job and started my first semester at college. (hey look, I did SOMETHING this summer.) But it's not really like it matters, no one really reads this anyway right? It's just a way for me to get things off my chest and maybe remember what I ate that day because my memory really is terrible. 

There's not much to be caught up on, I lost a best friend. I have no other friends. I have no money. I have the internet and that's all I need.(There's actually a horrifying truth to this) I kind of wish I had some internet friends. It really wouldn't matter who we were because there would probably be no chance of ever meeting. *Sigh*. I just want something for once in my life to be great and intense and fantastic. I'll let you know when that happens. 

I'm still writing, though my motivation to do anything these days is waning. Except for maybe my school work, I try to get it done right before class. (Old habits die hard. Once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator). Poetry frustrates me but when it flows it flows well. 

I've been so wrapped up in every single depressed thing that's been going on since last year. And since I don't have anyone to talk to about it really it just keeps building up inside. If you tell me my shoe is untied I will probably break down crying, its just going to happen. Either run away quickly or lend me your shoulder and plan to listen to my rants. Bring tissues please. 

I really just need someone to talk to. 

Till The Sun Rises,

Sarah Jean